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Monday, March 7, 2011

Advances in Parenting

I feel like I haven't had the freedom to post about random things because of Bear being in India and the importance of being his prayer cover. My friend, and unofficial family photographer, Stephanie is going to Ghana on Thursday and I'll be on duty once again so I'm taking advantage of this window to catch you up on the latest advances in parenting.

Occasionally we'll get magazines in the mail that we apparently unofficially subscribed to once I birthed children. One Step Ahead is one of these publications. It's a catalog of all things new to the parenting arena...especially those that are supposed to make our job "easier". I always get a kick out of what I see, especially in the safety category. Like first-time parents aren't freaked out enough without actual products to validate them?

For instance, what is your first reaction when you see this?

Kid at the morgue, anyone? Did you know that if children don't sleep in the appropriate position that it can lead to all sorts of health problems and even....death??!! Whose toddler sleeps like that?! Jonah flops around like a fish out of water whenever he sleeps with us so I know he's not sleeping in the "appropriate position". Someone call DFACS. And this?


This is a tube to test if items would choke a child. It's the same size as a child's airway so you can see if the item will lodge itself as a choking hazard. Really? You can't look at a pair of dice and think, "Hmmmm, maybe my infant shouldn't eat these?" Of course, I've had "Pregnancy/Nursing Brain" and wouldn't underestimate anything that a new, sleep-deprived mother would forget. But still, let's give us a little credit.

One of my personal favorites is this little gem-


Is that kid not just set up for embarrassment come high school or what? He's got on a helmet and knee pads. Because crawling can be such a contact sport. I can see this in the football program senior ad right next to the five-point racing harness with full roll bar in his first car. What I don't get is the same publication that markets the above to fear-driven parents is the same publication that sees fit to also sell....


Shouldn't these items come with a helmet? Do you see how much air that kid on the trampoline is getting? He's about to flip over that little handlebar thingy! Right now I know that those who know us best are thinking, don't Bear & Kristen have those things? No, we don't. Who needs them when your Daddy is the ultimate jungle gym?


(I know we have better pictures than this one but it's the only one I could find on the computer. That's Bear holding Jonah up over his head. I wish it was full length but you get the idea.)

I'm not saying that this magazine isn't a total loss. I'd love to equip every bathroom with one of these babies.


I can't count the times that we've had an indoor snowfall since Esther Grace has gone mobile. Notice how these parents have deterred their toddler from unraveling the toilet paper but not from scribbling on the walls. Or is that wallpaper? This entire post has been leading up to the one thing that disgusts baffles me the most. It is labled as a BabyComfyNose Nasal Aspirator (yes, all one word like that). It replaces those little blue bulbs you get in the hospital.


Ewwwwww. As first time parents, our nurse at the hospital emphasized in an extremely forceful manner that we were to NEVER under any circumstances blow air into Jonah's nose while clearing his nasal cavaties (i.e. getting his boogers out). You are ONLY to suck air out with that little blue bulb. So what, I ask you, is this woman doing? Ewwwwww. Here's the description with my own commentary added:

Looks Weird [Ya think?], Works Wonderfully!
Would we carry this if it wasn't totally amazing? [Well, I've seen the rest of your magazine, so yeah.]  This parent-powered aspirator clears stuffy noses more effectively (and less invasively) than any bulb or gadget we've tested. And YES it's hygienic: it's physically impossible to draw goop up the tube. [Suuuure. Ever heard of a straw?] Unlike other versions, [There are other versions?!] it uses tissues, not replacement filters. Choose Blue or Crystal. Dishwasher safe. For health reasons, we can't accept returns on opened packages. [I thought you said this thing was hygienic?]

There's even a customer review...

"It really works. It's just amazing! I'm going to tell everyone I know about this product and buy them as baby shower gifts."
-Pauls Valley, OK

If we ever have another kid, remind me to never invite anyone from Pauls Valley, OK.

3 comments:

Melia said...

You, ABSOLUTELY, crack me up!!!!! This post is hysterical! And I wish you could find the full-length picture because isn't Bear like 7 feet tall?? (At least from my height he is!) That means that Jonah is like 9 feet up! Scary!

Craft said...

HAHAHAHA! Hilarious! My belly laugh for today!

Craft said...

Craft is me - Chris M. - logged in on my work Google account. Guess I need a blogger ID?

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