Ties That Bind

I've never seen my Uncle Dale cry (pr show tons of emotion at all, really). I've never seen my cousin Justin cry. I've never seen my Nana kiss my PawPaw (or vice versa). I've never seen someone die. But then again, I've never lived October 17, 2010 before either.

I saw PawPaw on Tuesday afternoon. My parents went together on Wednesday with my brother. Thursday, they brought dinner to PawPaw, who ate a heaping plateful of mashed potatoes! Friday, my dad went to see him and said that it was a completely different PawPaw. His liver was failing and he was confused from the toxins building up in his body. Sunday after church, I was planning on going over there to share with him one last time. I was just changing my clothes when Mom called and told me that I needed to get over there.

When I got there, everyone was standing out in the driveway. We talked a bit and then I went inside to say hey to PawPaw. He had slipped into somewhat of a coma and wasn't awake when I spoke to him. I went back into the kitchen with my Nana and we just talked about my babies. Much later, the hospice nurse came into the kitchen and told my Nana that she thought PawPaw would only be with us for a few more minutes. I went outside to get everyone else and we surrounded his bed. It was very peaceful. It was very hard. I saw the most stoic men I know completely lose it. I saw my mom hold my Nana and be a pillar of strength. I saw compassion and tenderness as the hospice waited until all the good-byes were said before announcing PawPaw was gone.

About 30 minutes after everything happened, Nana's house turned into a bustle of activity. Dale and Justin were searching for PawPaw's marine dress blues. Dad was pulling pictures out of the attic. Mom was calling a contact list that Nana and PawPaw had compiled. I was looking through scrapbooks with Nana while she picked out pictures she liked for the funeral home. All this while Skyler, Justin's month old daughter, slept in her car seat right in the middle of the kitchen floor. We pulled together the way a family should.

I wasn't sure if everyone would be okay after what I had just witnessed but they will be. On the wall in my grandparents foyer are two crossstiches that my Nana made years ago. She made one for each member of our family. It has our name, the meaning, and a verse to go with each person. I don't remember what the verses were but I do remember the meanings. PawPaw's name, Clifford, means "Enduring Strength". Nana's name, Jerry, means "Strong in Spirit". I saw strength yesterday.

Even though I may not have gotten my clear "yes" or "no" from PawPaw regarding his salvation, I do know that God never fails us. I gave him Truth and that's all I could do. The Lord is Sovereign and He knows all. He knew when it was the perfect time to take PawPaw. He allowed my Nana to be surrounded by family during one of the hardest times in her life. There's such mercy in that. She didn't have to be alone. Dale didn't have to be the one to find him. There was comfort and support. Isn't God good? I have to trust God with PawPaw. He knows his heart and it's a matter that I can not discern one way or the other. I do know that God is good no matter our circumstances. And that's enough for me today.

"For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:5



Child-Like Faith

My dear PawPaw is suffering from colon cancer. He's battled it for about the past year and a half. It's hard. He's in the final stages now and it's been very difficult on my Nana. My sister and her husband came into town Monday to visit him. She couldn't bring herself to do it alone so I went with her, kids and all. As I drove over to their house, I begged God to give me the opportunity to speak Jesus into PawPaw's circumstances. My grandparents are good people. They're not really church-goers but they have the best hearts anyone could have. Well, needless to say, I never got the chance to talk to him about Jesus. Not that day anyways. I couldn't sleep all night and my heart was so heavy. I mean, I'm almost 30 and have known PawPaw my whole life and now I want to talk about God with him? What about all that time before now?

This past week as I've studied Isaiah 6, I've been confronted with God's holiness. I've seen how we're all sinners and we're all needing cleansing. I've also seen that we're all called to a task that God has for us. We're not promised victory or success but we're required to be obedient regardless. Like Isaiah, I had the opportunity to say, "Here am I. Send me!"

When I was younger, I lost both of my maternal grandparents. I was too young to really understand my grandfather was dying of cancer and my grandmother went so suddenly that we were caught off guard by her stroke. But I know without a doubt that both of them loved Jesus and they were welcomed with rejoicing by the angels as they met their Savior face to face. I don't know that about my PawPaw. Not for sure. So Tuesday, I went back over to make sure.

I wish I could tell you that I know for sure now. I don't. I know my PawPaw has done such good things in his lifetime. He is SUCH a good man. But good's not good enough. It's not about what we do here that's important but what Christ did on the cross for us. I shared that with him. He told me that he understood but I never got that clear, churchy answer that he knows Jesus. I don't know if I'll get that clear, churchy answer because my PawPaw's not a clear, churchy kind-of guy.

Monday, after we left my Nana & PawPaw's house, Jonah was sitting in his car seat in the back of the car. This is the conversation that followed:

     "I can't wait to tell Daddy that PawPaw's sick!"
     "What, Buddy?" I asked as I turned down the radio. (That was said with way too much enthusiasm.)
     "I can't wait to tell Daddy that PawPaw's sick!"
     "Jonah, Daddy knows that PawPaw's very, very sick."
     "He does? Aw, man! Well, I just can't wait!"
     "Can't wait for what? Are you happy that PawPaw's sick?"
     "Yeah!"
     "Why, Baby?"
     "Because, Mommy! PawPaw gets to see Jesus! I can't wait to see Jesus!"

The wonders of a child-like faith. The genuine thrill and rejoicing that comes when we know a family member gets to see Jesus face to face.

"In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." Luke 15:10

I'm begging you to please pray for my PawPaw. His time to meet eternity is very close.  Please pray for strength for my Nana, my uncle (who lives with them and will bear the biggest brunt of it all), and my family. But above all else, pray that we will be able to rejoice with a clear conscience knowing that he indeed gets to see Jesus.

No Sweeter Word

Yesterday we had one of those mornings. Bible Study starts at 9:30 but we have to be there early so we usually head out of here around 8:20 or so. Not yesterday morning. It all started out fine. I got up and got myself ready before the kids were up. Around 7:40, I woke Jonah up and got him fed, bathed, and dressed. While we were brushing his teeth, we heard stirrings from the baby monitor. Esther Grace was up and Jonah was so upset. He loves to go into her room on these mornings and wake her up himself, usually with a song, dance and a smile. It makes him feel like such the big brother. This morning he was beside himself that he didn't get to exercise his authority over her and he was very clear that she was such a bad sister for waking herself up. I explained that he needed to have a loving heart. We've been talking about rejoicing with others and having a happy heart so I tried to explain that this was the perfect opportunity to celebrate with Sister instead of the obvious route we were going.

     "Yay! Esther Grace is so BIG! She woke up all by herself! Isn't that wonderful??!!!!!" (I may have thrown in a little leprechaun-like leap and a few jumping jacks for good measure.)
     "No, it is NOT wonderful, Mommy! That is MY job. I'M supposed to wake her up. Her's being a BAD girl. Bad! Bad! Bad!" I knew I had to intervene quickly.
     "Okay, Jo. Here's the deal. Gracie's getting up and I'm sorry that you didn't get to wake her but that's just the way it happens sometimes. So-we're going to put a smile on our face, a song in our heart, and be happy this morning, okay?" All I got was a pout. I started to brush my teeth and Jonah disappeared on a mission to retrieve his shoes from somewhere in his room.

Then, I heard him on the baby monitor. It didn't sound good.
That was definitely a yelp.
Followed by a full-fledged holler.
Okay-that's crying.
Great.

He came back like everything was completely normal.
"Jonah, did you hit your sister?"
"Oh, no. Her just hit herself." Riiiiight.
"Jonah, did you hit your sister?"
"No." (Shrug.) "I don't know why her would do that but her just went -boomp- and hit her head."
"Jonah. Did. You. Hit. Your. Sister."
"Sooooorrrrrryyyyyy."
UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Later, I found out that he actually hit her with a closed fist right in the middle of her forehead. (There wasn't a mark so either he didn't hit her all that hard or his arm was just too short to reach her all the way in her crib.) Needless to say, he got FOUR spankings. Two for hitting and two for lying about it. FOUR! All before 8:00 in the morning! I should've known this was the way the morning was going to go. We're studying Isaiah and that particular week's lesson was on Isaiah 5. A huge time-out for Israel. Really bad spankings from God for His disobedient children.

"Then he looked for a crop of good grapes, but it yielded only bad fruit." Isaiah 5:2b

That evening, I was telling Bear about it and Jonah walked in on our conversation. (I try not to tell these stories in front of him because I don't want him to think that we're bragging about his misbehavior. That and sometimes they're really funny and I don't want him to see us laughing about it.) He stopped when he realized what we were talking about.
     "No. Don't say that Mommy. Don't say that to Daddy. I don't want you to talk about it to him." Bear interjected,
     "It's good to be ashamed of our sin, isn't it Buddy? I'm glad that you feel sorry for your sin. That means that you know it's wrong." I added,
     "You know what makes it better. It's when we learn from our sin and choose to follow God's Ways because His Ways are so much easier and better!"
Jonah nodded in agreement, a smile beginning to appear on his little face.
     "And you know what's the best Buddy?" Bear said.
     "What Daddy?"
     "That we're forgiven."

Forgiven.

There are four main Greek words used for 'forgiven' in the New Testament but here are my two favorite.

charizomai meaning "to release a person from the obligation of repaying what is owed" derived from "charis" which means "God's freely given grace"

apoluo meaning "set free, release, pardon a prisoner, release a debtor, to remove the guilt resulting from wrongdoing"

Anyone need release? Need to be set free? Need some guilt removed? I'm right there with you.

"This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds. Then he adds: Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more. And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin. Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:16-25

Forgiven.

I can't think of a sweeter word.

A Night in Catholic Country

[Please know my heart regarding this post. It is in no way intended to be judgmental or accusatory. In fact, it is tattling on my own judgmental attitude. I apologize if it seems so. That is not my intention whatsoever.]

Saturday, we celebrated Bear's grandparents' 54th wedding anniversary. Well, technically we were celebrating their 50th anniversary 4 years late. It was held at St. Thomas Aquinas in Roswell. Did I mention the whole family is Catholic? I'm pretty sure Bear and I were the only Protestants there. They renewed their vows in the middle of the mass. I was a bit nervous about the mass because I had no idea what to expect. I've never been to a Catholic mass and have only attended one Catholic wedding (Bear's brother's) and one Catholic funeral (Bear's aunt's). I knew that there would be a lot of standing, sitting, and recitation by the congregation. Bear completely left me hanging and skipped the service altogether. Granted it was for a noble cause, seeing as they needed help in the kitchen preparing for the reception afterwards, but I was still a bit bitter. I sat by Bear's aunt, Leslie, who was very helpful in explaining everything. I would've been completely lost without her! They really should have cheat sheets printed up for visitors.

The mass started off with a hymn. (Is that what they call it?) The chorus said, "If you hear the Word of God today, do not harden your hearts." Um, was this picked out especially for me? I usually don't like 'different'. I'm pretty skeptical of all things unknown and this was definitely out of the familiar for me. Looking back on the evening, I probably did have some walls built up around my heart before going into it all. I mean, you're talking to a girl who doesn't even like to sit on a different row than her own at church. (Although, I'm pretty sure that particular row that I'm fond of doesn't have my name on it. Maybe I should contact someone at church about that....) I took a deep breath. Okay, God- I know you want me to hear from You tonight. Help me see You in this because You are here.

The priest?...minister?...deacon?...walked around the altar with a large rectangular plaque held above his head. (Maybe I should've cleared up some details before posting this!) I later discovered that this wasn't a plaque but a book. And not just any book but one of the Gospels. I should've guessed. It had four winged characters on it: a lion, an ox, a man, and an eagle. Duh.
Lion=Matthew, shows Jesus as King
Ox=Mark, shows Jesus as Servant
Man=Luke, shows Jesus as human
Eagle=John, shows Jesus as Divine
I knew all that Bible study would come in handy! This particular one was Luke. Before reading, they walked around the altar and said a prayer. Then, they did something that I thought was the most beautiful thing.

I'm familiar with the Sign of the Cross, where one makes the cross across one's body before and after prayer. This was similar but different. The priest made a small cross across his forehead, mouth, and lips before reading the Scripture. I found out later from my sister-in-law that they whisper "May the Word of God be on my mind, my lips, and my heart."

Oh, yes Lord! That is what I want! Not just for Your Word to be in my mind as knowledge. While I could definitely stand to memorize Scripture more, I don't want it to just be head knowledge but apply it to my heart as well that I may live it out. I also want Your Word on my lips, Lord. If I know it and apply it, what is it worth if I don't tell others about You? That's the core to my Christianity. Know it. Apply it. Live it out. Yes!

We've been studying the Beatitudes in Matthew 5 as a youth group. My lesson on Sunday was on Matthew 5:8- "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." If I hadn't cleansed my heart of my bitter attitude when God called me to during that first hymn in that mass, I would've never seen Him in the service. Aside from getting the most cardio I've had in a while, all I would have seen is 'different'. The way they prayed was different. They way they worshipped was different. They way they sang was different. I wouldn't have seen Him and His message for me. Oh, that I would see Him wherever He is! That my own prideful arrogance never get in the way of His message for me! People are different but His Word is the same. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and  today and forever." "In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the word of your hands. They will perish, but you remain...But you remain the same, and your years will never end." (Hebrews 13:8; Psalm 102:25-27)

I've been studying Psalm 19 with a blogging friend and the final verse of the chapter is "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." That is my prayer for this blog. That is my prayer for my life. That God's Word not only be in my mind and heart, but on my lips as well.

Nine Years Ago Today

I have many dates logged into my memory that can only be described as God-appointed. A cool night in February 2001 is one of those.  Though I'm not quite sure of the exact date, it's like it happened yesterday. I had been at the University of Georgia since that spring after transferring from Georgia College & State University mid-sophomore year. I had been commuting about 40 minutes every day while living with my parents since the transfer was kind of a last minute, not-thought-through decision. This boy that I had met suggested that I meet his sister because she was in need of a roommate. I thought, "Well, how bad can it be? He's a Believer and she lives at one of the campus ministry houses. Sure!"

 To go along with my last minute decision to transfer colleges, I had also decided to tryout for cheerleading on a whim. I had done it in highschool and thought it would be a good way to meet people at my new school. I am not a last minute kind of person. I don't like change and here I was upheaving everything I had known to completely redefine myself following a devestating break-up. I have no idea how to explain this sudden adventurous Spirit other than It was not my own.

I had no idea what God had
in store for me.

This boy that I had met was a cheerleader at UGA and was instructing a cheerleading clinic for prospective new girls. A bunch of cheerleaders were going out to eat after a long day of stunting and had invited me. This boy asked me to ride with his friend and on our way, we'd stop off at the CCF house and I could meet his sister. Well, needless to say, I have no clue what Brooke and I talked about. I barely remember her even being on that porch. (Sorry girl! I do remember all our late night talks though!) All I remember swinging on the swing with this boy that I had just met and hanging on his every word. He spoke of the Lord like no other guy I knew. His eyes were on fire as he described how God had called him to abandon dating over the past year and focus on just his relationship with Jesus. He was planning on going to China over the summer for an 8 week period. His name was Bear....like the animal.

Isn't he such a cutie? What a baby face!

Fast forward to October 2, 2001. After months of this boy coming around to visit his sister, hanging out,  and stealing our food, he asked me to come over to his apartment. Apparently, several cheerleaders were going to hang out and possibly watch a movie. I went over there and no one  was there. Just his roommate, Eric, who also cheered. Eric said, "I'm not supposed to let you leave." Ooookay.
     "Bear called and said he'll be right here."
     "Where's everybody else?" I asked. That got a puzzled look and a shrug.
      "I don't know what you mean," Eric said. Ooookay.
      "The movie? Weren't we all going to meet here and hang out?" This was getting odd. My heart was fluttering and I'm pretty sure it quit beating when Eric grinned and said, "Nah, Bear just wanted to talk to you about something." (I would find out later that I was referred to in the apartment by the guys as "The One".)

Bear's "Six Pack"- I should've known then he
was weird. And yes, their shirts say
"UGA Hottie Tossers".

About an hour later, (yes, he was that late), Bear walked through the door. He had been at a study group that went over and had rushed there. This could've been very serious seeing as the Turbodog, his '87 Honda Civic, had no brakes. He'd just throw it into neutral and use his parking brake. Yep, I'm serious. He asked me to go up to his room. Normally I would've declined an invitation to a college boy's bedroom at night and alone but Bear was completely different than any other guy I'd ever met. There wasn't even a hint of danger. (We dated 4 months before even thinking about kissing.)

We went up and he started acting really weird. He showed me pictures of his family, pictures of friends from highschool. It was very strange. He sat at his desk and began rummaging through his stuff like it was the most interesting thing on the planet. Well. Looks like I'd have to take the reigns on this one.
     "So. Eric said you needed to talk to me about something?" Freeze. Literally.
     "Um, yeah." Babble, babble, babble. This awkward exchange went on for what seemed like forever. In my head, I had expected this to turn into a dating talk. Bear's deadline for the Year of No Dating had lapsed and I thought that all his visits were his way of getting to know me. Guess I was wrong. I guess he really was visiting his sister. 

My dad took this after cheering at a game
one night. He probably wondered who in the
world was manhandling his daughter.

Earlier that fall, we had been having a serious discussion about God and redemption. It had come out that I had messed up physically with a guy that I had been dating for almost 5 years. I mean really messed up. Great, I thought. He's going to preach to me. The enemy was always using this against me, accusing me of being a fake Christian because I had messed up. He still does it to this day and I'm almost 30. Now I know why he was so active in his attack that night. He did not want this to happen. The phone rang, interrupting my thoughts. It was Brooke. She wanted to talk to me.

     "Are you dating my brother yet?"
     "Huh?"
     "Are you dating my brother yet?"
     "Um, no." What in the world?
     "Did you forget your key?" A complete and regular event in the life of Kristen Jarvis.
     "Yeah, probably."
     "Well, I'm locking the door and not letting you in until you're dating my brother." Click. No joke.
     "What'd she say?" Bear asked.
     "Well, she wants to know if we're dating yet."

I'm not exactly sure what followed after that. I do know that the following conversation resulted in prayer, tears, and a commitment to follow the Lord together in whatever He had planned for us. I had to make sure I was clear about one thing though.
     "Just so you know, I'm serious about this. In for the long haul. I've done the long-term thing before, with a godly guy no less, and have nothing to show for it and I'm done with that whole wishy-washy dating with no purpose. If we're going to do this thing, we're talking marriage right now. Seriously. My heart can not survive another hurt like I've been through. Got it?" Who was this girl? What in the world did I just say? Did I just say the 'm' word? What??!!! Time stopped as Bear looked up at me and simply stated,
     "That's exactly what I had in mind."

Taken before a CCF worship meeting on
October 4, 2001. Dating a whole 2 days!

Nine years later, here we are. Two kids, a happy home, a healthy marriage and serving the Lord together. We actually brought Esther Grace home last year on October 2. Who knew this is what God had planned all those years ago? Tonight we actually celebrate Bear's grandparents 54th wedding anniversary. 54 years and still going strong. Oh, that Bear and I would be that blessed!

Taken at the boys' apartment right
before Eric's wedding.

It's funny that God's got us discipling youth. Bear's got junior boys and I've got junior girls. Hmph. Juniors. The very year that I began my journey to sin. What started out as a relationship that glorified God and was pleasing to the Lord slowly turned into a filthy, self-gratifying, path of destruction. I alone am to blame. I am the one who chose to ignore His law. I am the one that should've been pregnant in high school. I am the one who disregarded what I knew to be True, desperatly trying to plan out my life in order to avoid heartache. Ironic. That's exactly what I did. Much like a blogging friend of mine posted recently, I Deserved Cousin Eddie. (Read this if you get a chance. It's powerful!) I got Prince Charming.

Thank You Lord for Your revelation, redemption, and restoration! Thank You that You turn what this world intends for evil and use it for Your glory! Thank You for Your protection and provision! Thank You Lord for this wonderful life You've prepared for me! Thank You for this man that leads me, instructs me, corrects me, encourages me, and spoils me rotten! I am blessed to be called Your child and want nothing more than to serve You wholeheartedly.

UGA Homecoming Parade 2001
Coach didn't know we were dating. She took this picture.
Busted.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28